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From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1 million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow. The engineer broke the silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly sorry ..." The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up. "I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..." After they settled down, both the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part - I threw in a check for the full $1 million." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a indian squaw came across a new water well that had some of the best water that she had found. She collected some of the water and took it back to her husband. The Squaw said, "I have found new well with good water. Have some." Her husband responded, "Me very thirsty; let me taste water." He gulped the water down and said, "Water very good, but strong brave husband still thirsty. Squaw fetch more water." The squaw fetched more water from the new well, returned some time later, and said, "Here is more water for brave husband." Her husband replied, "Big brave very thirsty," as he gulped down the water. He then said, "Water very good, but strong brave -still- thirsty. Squaw fetch more water." So the squaw went back to the well, returned some time later, and said to her husband, "I could not get more water for brave husband." Her husband responded, "Why is that? Has new well already gone dry?" The squaw replied, "No, white man sitting on well." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Harold suspected his wife of playing around on the side, so one day he took the afternoon off and comes home extra early. He entered his apartment, which was on the 3rd floor, and started looking around. Upon entering the bedroom he found his wife laying in bed. On her nightstand was a lit ciga- rette. In the ashtray on his nightstand, on the other side of the bed, there was another lit cigarette. Harold went beserk. After beating his wife upside the head, he proceeded to search the apartment. It was not long before he spotted a pair of hands hanging on the window sill, outside the bedroom. He grabbed one of the ashtrays and pounded on the hands until the battered fingers let go. Despite falling thirty feet the cuckold was still alive and trying to crawl away. Now worried that he might go to jail if his wife's lover lived to tell the police, Harold ran into the kitchen and pushed the refrigerator into the bedroom and out the window. He was so worked up, and the refrigerator was so heavy, that the effort of pushing it out the window gave poor Harold a heart attack, and he died. When Harold arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked Harold what had happened to him. Harold told his story, and Peter let him in. Soon there- after a second guy showed up for admission to Heaven. When St. Peter asked him why he was there, he said "I don't know what happened, I was a window cleaner. I was working on the fifth floor of an apartment building when my safety strap broke and I fell. I caught myself on the ledge of a 3rd floor apartment. Then somebody smashed my hands and made me fall to the sidewalk. I was stunned, but okay. The next thing I know, I look up and there is a refrigerator coming down at me ..." He too was allowed in. It was not long before a third potential angel approached the gates. St. Peter asked the third guy, "What happened to you?" The guy said, "I don't know. I was sitting in this refrigerator minding my own business ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Smith, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product - TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general apearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing our pro- duct does not portray a positive, romantic image of our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to firm it up by using polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get a photograph taken. We would like to note, however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now. We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by some chance we decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms. We send our greetings deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend. Very truly yours, Jack Meoff President P.S. Remember our slogans: "Cover your stump before you hump." "Don't be silly, protect your willy." "Before you attack her, wrap your whacker." "If you are not going to sack it, go home and whack it." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you keep from being bitten by a tsetse fly? A: Keep your tsetse covered at all times! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used? A: A stroke. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After the football game, an Aggie went out with his friends for beers and maybe to get a piece of ass. He came back with a chunk of skin ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill and I went golfing the other day. We were in the middle of the sixth fairway when stopped in midswing and took off his hat in deference to a funeral procession that was passing by. Usually, he just played on ignoring all distractions. Impressed with his behavior, I did the same. When the procession had passed, I asked him, "Bill, that was damn respectful of you to pause for a procession like that. Why the unusual behavior?" "It's the least I could do for my wife ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do tampons have strings? A: So that the crabs can go bunji jumping. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a dumb blonde who went to see her doctor. When the time came for the pelvic exam, he nearly fell in. You see, she thought she was suppossed to have three hearty -males- per day ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did all the other Iraqis laugh at Hakim when they caught him fucking a sheep? A: Because he picked one of the ugly ones. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the first warning sign of old age? A: When you've been in bed all night with a woman and the dawn comes, but you haven't. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's jello? A: Kool aid with a hard-on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you sneak up on a celery? A: Stalk. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the tight end who was sentenced to a prison term? When he was paroled he was a wide receiver. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God create man? A: Because you can't teach a dildo to cut the lawn. Q: Why did create woman? A: Because you can't teach a sheep to cook. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An polack walked into a travel agency and demanded the special Hawaiian tour. The travel agent said, "I'm sorry, I handle Caribbean cruises. Hawaiin tours are just through the door." So the polack opened the door. As he was walking through the door, someone hit him over the head, knocking him uncon- cious, stole his wallet, and threw him in the dumpster. Later that day, an aggie walked into the same travel agency and asked for the same Hawaiian tour. Again, the travel agent explained that he handled cruises and sent the aggie to the office next door. As soon as the aggie opened the door, he got the same treatment. When the polack and the aggie woke up, they found themselves floating in the middle of the ocean on a small raft. The aggie looked at polack and asked, "I wonder if they'll fly us back?" The polack responded knowingly, "They didn't last year ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have nothing against Michael Jackson, but if my son ever goes around wearing just one glove, he better be playing baseball! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you jogged backward would you gain weight? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Since the Post Office implemented mandatory random drug testing, not one carrier has tested positive for speed ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ever notice that when the doorbell rings, the dog's the first one to the door, but it's never for him? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One morning, the county sheriff was having a cup of coffee at the donut shop, when all of a sudden a kid on a tricycle zoomed down the street. The sheriff was so startled he spilled coffee all over himself, but the tricycle was gone before anything could be done; it had been going at least 50. Later that afternoon while the sheriff was enjoying a nap behind a billboard, the same boy zoomed by again, doing about 70. The sheriff was again startled, but decided he ought to do something before the kid sideswiped a semi. So the sheriff set up a speed trap. No sooner had the sheriff finished, than the kid came screaming down the sidewalk about 80! The sheriff spun gravel and hauled ass after the speeding tricycle. The kid immediately pulled over. "Did ya'll know thah ya'll wus SPEE-ding?" drawled the sheriff, "And how did ya'll git thah tri-CEE-cle tuh go thah fast anyway?" The little boy replied, "There's a little motor under the seat." "Like hail!" said the sheriff, who proceeded to look under the seat. "Wuhl I'll be damned!" said the sheriff, "Whuh did ya'll git such a pow-ful little mohtuh?" "I got it from an artificial lung," said the boy. "Ya'll papa let ya'll do thah? Didn't he have a thing tuh say 'bout thah?" "No," said the boy, "He just said 'U-u-u-u-uhhhhh ...'" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs: In a butcher shop? Chuck. In the mail? Bill. On a circuit board? Chip. In a hole? Phil. On the wall? Art. (Two guys) on a window sill? Curt & Rod. Lying in a pile of leaves? Russel. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you do with a legless dog? A: Take him for a drag. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three gays are driving around San Francisco, when they had to stop for a red light. Unfortunately, the large semi-trailer behind them burned out his breaks on the steep downgrade and slammed into the back of the gays' car. Bruce, the gay who was driving, looked at his buddies and asked if they were okay. One friend, Harvey, complained of a sore neck. So Bruce jumped out of the car, stormed up to the truck, and pounded on the door saying, "I hope you've got good insurance buddy, my friend is really hurt!" The truck driver, a real road hog, rolled down the window and said, "Suck my motherfucking dick, you faggot!" Bruce just smiled and pranced back to his car. "We're in luck fellas," said Bruce, "he wants to settle out of court ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why was Liberace buried with his ass sticking out of the ground? A: So his friends could drop by for a cold one. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do Rock Hudson and Len Bias have in common? A: They both died of a bad case of crack. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill the Cat _ __/| \'o.O' =(___)= U ; ' ' ' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man, in love with a girl he wanted to make love to, was so ashamed of his small penis that he was afraid of bringing up the question, or of letting her see him naked. One dark night he drove her around in his car and parked in a dark lane. As they kissed, he surreptitiously opened his fly and put his weapon in her hand. "Thanks," she said, "But you know I don't smoke." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- BANANA CAKE RECIPE Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes 2 loving arms 2 well shaped legs 1 large banana 2 firm milk containers 1 fur lined mixing bowl. Method: 1. Look into laughing eyes 2. Spread well shaped legs apart 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently 4. Add banana and gently work in and out until well greased 5. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief. Note: The cake is done when the banana is soft. Make sure to wash utensils and do not lick the bowl. Important: If the cake starts to rise, leave town. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night, Luke Duke picked up Daisy at the bar. They were on their way to the local lover's lane when a traffic light changed from green to red. Luke gunned the engine and sped through the red light. Curious, Daisy asked, "Why did you do that?" Luke just said, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time." At the next intersection, the light changed again. Again they sped through it. Daisy, starting to reconsider the wisdom of being in the same vehicle as Luke, asked, "Why do you keep doing that?" "Don't worry," replied Luke, "my brother drives like this." At the next inter- section, the last one in the town with a light, the light turned green. As all the other pick-up trucks started moving, Luke screeched to a rubber burning halt. Daisy, by now in a panic, screamed, "What are you doing?!" Replied Luke, "I have to be careful; my bother might be coming the other way ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you have a brain, or is that just a walnut stuck in your skull? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night at a bar in San Francisco, a sailor and marine, both on shore leave, started arguing about which service was better, who could drink more, who had the bigger dick, etc. Well, needless to say, the bartender stepped in and said, "Okay, let's settle this once and for all; whip em' out!" So the two guys whipped their dicks out and laid them on the bar. Just then a fag walked in. The bartender told the two guys to hold on for a sec while he served the fag. The bartender asked the fag what he'd have. "Well, I was going to have a white wine spritzer," the fag lisped as he looked down the bar at the two guys with their cranks hanging out, "but now I think I'll have the buffet." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I went and did it. I called one of those 1-900 phone sex lines. The call wasn't all that bad; just one bad side-effect: I had one hell of an ear infection the next day! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night three vampires entered a bar. When the bartender asked them what they would like to drink, the first vamipire said he wanted a pint of blood, the second vampire said that he too would have a pint of blood, and the last vampire said he'd have a pint of plasma. The bartender took a step back and said, "Let me see if I got this right. That's two bloods and a blood-lite?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- TELECOMMUNICATIONS DICTIONARY Term Definition. ----- --------------- Modem ................. What landscapers do to dem lawns. Token Ring ............ A virtual engagement gift. Ethernet .............. A device for catching the Ether Bunny. DataPac ............... A size 14 girl in a size 8 bikini. Asynch ................ A place to wash your hands. Bysnch ................ The place where Elton John washes his hands. BBS ................... Tall tales told by insects that produce honey. ASCII ................. The ancient god of telecommunications. Rumored to give vast amounts of data to believers. Hence, the phrase "ASCII and you shall receive." Block Parity .......... One heck of a good time. Carrier Detect ........ Raison d'etre for premarital blood tests. File Transfer ......... Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff who are tired of their present jobs. Hayes Compatible ...... Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who sings off-key. Gene Autry is the industry standard. Serial Interface ...... A spoon. Terminal Emulation .... A function performed by a canary that lays on its back with its legs in the air. X-Modem ............... A device on the losing end of an encounter with lightning. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is no ice in the Texas A&M cafeteria because the aggie with the recipe graduated ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, Little Saddam was riding his donkey when and he pulled into the donkey store and said to the owner, "Hey, can you check the asshole on my donkey?" The guy in the store looked at the donkey's asshole and said, "There's nothing wrong, why did you think there was?" "Well," said Little Saddam, "I was riding along minding my own business when two shieks said `look at the asshole on that donkey.'" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are lawyers buried 24 feet deep? A: Because deep down they're nice people. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the accountant who was half Jewish, and half Polish? He embezzled the accounts payable ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have found the perfect woman, I could not ask for more, She is deaf, dumb, oversexed, And she owns a liquor store. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three yuppers, Sven, Ole and Karl, were sitting in a boat fishing. It was a grey autumn morning, a light drizzle fell from the skies and the lake reflected like the color of old pewter. The fishermen became dazed, hypnotized by the mesmerizing act of watching thier lines. Karl fell out of the boat. Five minutes went by ... Ten minutes went by ... Fifteen minutes went by ... "Hey," said Sven, "where's Karl?" "Oh My God!" cried Ole, "He's fallen into the lake!" So Sven stripped off his raincoat and heavy jacket and leapt into the water, diving frantically to find his missing pal. A minute later, Sven surfaced and heaved the limp and dripping wet lost fisherman into the boat. Ole immediately began CPR. "Hey," said Ole as he came up for air, "I don't remember Karl's breath being -that- bad." "Hey," scowled Sven, "Come to think of it, I don't remember Karl being dressed in a snowmobile suit either ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, titled 'Advice for Young Mothers.' The librarian, being a typically nosey and puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two maintenance men, Pat O'Brien and Ivan Petrovich were working around on the launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when Pat noticed some fuel leaking from one of the o-ring seals. Ivan immediately notified mission control, which instructed Ivan and Pat to try to contain the fuel spill until NASA could figure out what else to do. So, Pat and Ivan started putting buckets, cans, jars, and whatever else they could find, under the leaking engines. After several hours (it took the NASA bureaucracy -long- time to figure out who to blame) Ivan decided to taste the fuel. Ivan: "Hey, Pat! Take a sip of this shit. It ain't half-bad." Pat: "Are you crazy?" Ivan: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something." Pat: "Hey, you're right! This -is- good stuff ..." Ivan: "Yea, and I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too ..." So, Pat and Ivan continued to consume their new-found source of entertain- ment. The fuel spill was quickly disposed of. The next morning, Ivan got a phone call. Ivan: "Hello?" Pat: "Hey Ivan, how are feeling?" Ivan: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!" Pat: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?" Ivan: "No, why?" Pat: "Because I'm calling you from Australia ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a fat Chinese girl? A: A chunk. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How are jello and woman alike? A: They both wiggle when you eat them. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night a travelling salesman found that he had stayed on the road too long, and that he was stranded in the middle farm country with no place to sleep. Naturally, he sought refuge at the nearest farm house. The farmer agreed to let him stay, but only as long as "you don't sneak upstairs to my daughter's room." The salesman promised but, as with all travelling sales- men, he found it hard to resist the lure of a farmer's daughter. In the middle of the night the salesman crept up the stairs to the daughter's room, where he found her naked, spread-eagled on the bed. The salesman immediately dove between her legs and started eating her out. He had just gotten his tongue wet, when he got a mouthful of rice. Undeterred, he spit out the rice and resumed his tongue lashing. Once again, he got a mouthful of rice. Puzzled, but still horny, he started eating her out again. When he got another mouthful of rice, and still no response from the daughter, the salesman gave up and went back to bed. The next morning the salesman told the farmer, "I have to confess: Last night I went up to your daughter's room." "That's okay son," replied the kindly, old farmer. "And I have to confess that I had oral sex with her," continued the salesman. "I ain't got a quarrel with that, son," replied the kindly, old farmer. "But I have just one question," concluded the salesman, "Why is it that every time I ate her, I kept getting a mouth- ful of rice?" "Oh that?" said the kindly, old farmer, "Them's maggots - she's been dead ten years." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?? A: Two - One to do it, and one to write a sensitive folk song about it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After months of scrimping and bargain hunting to make ends meet, a woman begged her tight-fisted husband to give her some shopping money. "Can't you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?" she asked. Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his pocket and held it up to the mirror. "See the money in the mirror? That's yours. And this," he said, putting the ten-spot back in his pocket, "is mine." The next evening, he went home to find the table filled with a Roman feast of glazed ham, stuffed hens, fresh fruit, steaming veggies, baked alaska, etc, etc, etc. "Where did you get the money for all this?" the husband barked. His wife took him to the mirror. "See this body in the mirror? That's yours. And this one," she said, pulling off her dress, "is the grocer's." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, a man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie offered him one wish (he was a stingy genie). "I want to be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life," said the man. So the genie turned him into a toilet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- RIDDLE Q: A man is in the middle of a basketball court, bleeding from the temple, and unconscious. How did it happen? A: Bill Laimbeer elbowed him ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a football game between Southern Methodist and Notre Dame, two Texans, Bo and Jimbob, were seated behind two nuns. Bo said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there." "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there," replied Jimbob. This went on for quite some time before one of the nuns finally lost her temper and hissed, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any catholics there!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- You were so ugly as a kid that, on Halloween, your mother put peanut butter around your lips and sent you out as an asshole! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young lady went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor started looking her over and noticed a rash, in the shape of a "Y," on her chest. When he asked her to explain its origin, she stammered, "Well ... you see ... uh ... my boyfriend goes to Yale, and ... er ... well, he likes to make love with his sweater on." "That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her a tube 'Rash-Away.' A few days later, a second young lady went to see the same doctor. When the doctor started examining the second young lady, he noticed she had an "H"-shaped rash on her chest. When he asked her to explain its origin, she stammered, "Well ... you see ... uh ... my boy- friend goes to Harvard, and ... well, he likes to make love with his sweater on." "That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her a tube of 'Rash-Away.' A few weeks later, a third young lady went to the same doctor. When the doctor started checking her over, he noticed she had an "M"-shaped rash. "Don't tell me," said the doctor, "Your boyfriend goes to Michigan and he likes to make love with his sweater on ..." "Well, not exactly," said the woman. "My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin and ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO DETROIT One day ima go to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Igo down to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress, "I wanna two piss's toast." She bring only one piss. I tella her, "I wanna two piss." She say, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You no understand. I wanna two piss in my plate." She say, "You better no piss on the plate, you sonnamabitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonnamabitch! Later, I go to eat lunch at a fancy restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me, "Everybody wanna fock." I tella her, "You no understand. I wanna fock on the table." She say, "You better not fock on the table, you sonnama- bitch!" So I go back to my room in the hotel, and there's no sheet on my bed! I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet, so I say, "You no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed." He say, "You better not sheet on the bed, you sonnamabitch!" I finally fedda up and go to check out. The man at the desk, he say, "Peace to you." I say, Piss onna you too, you sonnamabitch! I go back to Italy ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does an elephant have four feet? A: Because he would look stupid with eight inches. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the best thing to come out of a dick? A: The wrinkles. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One weekend, a yupper and an aggie were arguing about who had the best way of folding a parachute. They finally decided the best way to judge would be to go up in a plane, jump out, and see which parachute performed better. So they both went up and jumped out of the plane at the same time. The yupper pulled his ripcord first; the parachute opened and he began drifting slowly towards the ground. Then the aggie pulled his ripcord, but nothing happened! The aggie plummeted past the yupper. Cutting his parachute risers, the yupper yelled, "Oh, so you wanna -RACE- now, eh?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a polack and a mexican? A: A kid who spraypaints chainlink fences. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a young lady from Sidney, Who liked it right up to her kidney, A man from Quebec, Shoved it up to her neck, He had a big one, now didn't he? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- SHE HAD PLENTY OF LIFE INSURANCE. UNFORTUNATELY, HER PIMP DIED. Today, almost every hooker understands how important it is to have life insurance. The streets can get pretty rough. But what if your pimp is offed? Who's going to find you new johns? Who's going to supply your smack? Clearly, his loss would create financial hardships for you and the two mulatto kids he left behind. With Metropolitan Street Life's new "WHORE PLUS PLAN," a prostitute can get permanent insurance protection that pro- vides door-to-door Cadillac service, up to three fixes daily, and a big, bad motherfucker with a gun - just as if your main man was still around. What do we ask in return for a safe future? 50% of the action. That's pro- bably a better deal than he gave you. And we won't beat you upside the head. METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE INSURANCE COMPANIES "Professionals Helping Professionals" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the two little old ladies feeding pigeons in the park? Suddenly, a streaker flashed past! One little old lady had a stroke, the other wasn't quick enough ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two women were sitting next to each other, under the hair dryers in a beauty shop. One turned to the other and said, "Tell me, do you and your husband have mutual orgasm?" The other woman said, "Oh no, we have State Farm." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two polack junkies, shooting up heroin in a back alley, kept passing the same needle to each other. After awhile, one polack said, "Hey, what we're doing is a high risk activity for aids!" The other replied, "Don't worry, we're wearing condoms." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, a lady walked into a Sears store and asked for a hinge for her door. "Do you want a screw for this hinge?" inquired the clerk. The lady looked around the store and replied, "No, but I'll screw you for that oven ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Frank Zappa on Rock Stars: "All you have to do today, is grab yer guitar, hold it like its your weenie, aim it heavenward and play everything you can in 30 seconds." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- You don't buy beer, you rent it ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Harry went to a doctor to have his knees examined. "What are you doing that's making your knees so raw?" asked the doctor. "Well ... I like to do it doggie style, doc, and ... well ... I just can't get enough," answered Harry. Concerned, the doctor advised Harry to "Take it a little easier." Two weeks later, Harry went back for a follow-up exam; his knees were even worse - dripping puss and blood. Aghast, the doctor had a hard time con- trolling his temper. "What the hell are you doing?" said the doctor. "I told you doc," Harry meekly replied, "I love to do it doggie style." The doctor, his anger spent, said, "Damn, son, can't you turn her over?" Surprised, Harry replied, "Hell no doc, have you ever smelled a dog's breath?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two travelling salesmen, Jack and Bob, were driving through along a desolate stretch of Kansas highway when their car broke down. It was getting late, and the only building for miles around was a weather-battered old gas station a mile up the road. Jack and Bob went up to the adjacent trailor and knocked on the door. A knarled, old, baggy-titted widow answered the door. "Ma'am," said Jack, "Our car broke down. Do you think we could stay here tonight?" "Well," said the widow, "I only have one bed. One of you can sleep with me, but the other will have to sleep on the porch. Y'all decide who sleeps where ..." Jack and Bob both knew that whoever slept in the widow's bed would have to screw her ugly, gnarled body, so they flipped a quarter to see who got the dubious honor. Bob lost and so he slept on the porch. Jack tentatively crawled under the sheets. The widow lost no time tearing Jack's clothes off (something he had conveniently neglected to do). "Wait a minute," said Jack, "I like to do it in the dark." The widow agreed and so Jack got up to turn out the lights. That was when he noticed a bucket full of corn beside the bed. When he crawled back under the covers, Jack grabbed an ear of corn and started screwing the widow with it. Thw widow, being rather 'wide,' did not notice the difference - she started moaning and screaming. Bob, sleeping outside, heard all the commotion and crept up to the window so he could better hear the action. Inside, every time the corn got soggy, Jack threw it out the window. The widow, who hadn't had a man in decades, was insatiable and so the corn- screwing went on all night. The next morning, their car repaired, Jack and Bob were driving along, when Bob started giggling. "What's so funny?" asked Jack. Bob started guffawing. "What the hell is so funny?" shouted Jack. Bob, finally regaining control of himself, said, "Last night while you had to screw that ugly widow, I was a laying back eating buttered corn!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- If pro is the opposite of con, then congress is the opposite of ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A maid arrived at work one day to find Leona Helmsley hanging from the ceiling, with one hand grasping the chandelier, and the other clenched tightly around her throat. Under her dangling feet was an overturned chair. Her tongue was blue and protruding. She was obviously dead. As the coroner took the deceased Leona away, the maid said to a paramedic, "She always was a cheap bitch ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the whale found on the beach? I was listening on the radio the other day when I heard that the Sea World veternarian had deter- mined the cause of death to be AIDS. The vet said that he couldn't figure out how a whale had come down with such a disease. The only conclusion he could draw was that it must have been rammed by a ferry ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marvin was the world's oldest virgin. After years and years of putting ads in singles' papers and enlisting in dating services, he was nearly penni- less. In desperation, he went to a whorehouse. "Lady," Marvin said to the madam, "I'm desperate. I need to get laid - and all I got is this quarter!" The madam, like all madams, had a heart of gold. She said, "I'm here to help you. Go see the girl in the last room ... And keep the change." So, Marvin went down the hall to the last room. There he found a fat, ugly whore, naked, spread-eagled on the bed. But Marvin didn't care, he just wanted to screw. So, he tore off his clothes and dove between her legs. Marvin had just begun to the eat out the whore when he got a mouthfull of beef. So intent was Marvin on getting laid, he thought nothing of it; he spit out the beef and resumed tongue lashing the whore. A minute later Marvin got a mouthfull of carrots. Even though he was starting to get a little worried, Marvin was still more horny than worried - he spit out the carrots and returned to eating the whore. Within seconds, Marvin got a mouthfull of peas. Spitting out the peas he yelled, "What's the matter? Are you sick or something?" "No," replied the whore, "but the guy before you was ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some notes on friends: 1) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose! 2) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't roll your friends into little green balls! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. "What's that over yon'?" the Scotsman asked of his guide. "That's a moose, eh," said the guide. "Aye!" exclaimed the Scotsman, with raised eyebrow. "If that be a moose, I'd be sure an to hate to see your rats!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man named Smith stopped by the doctor's office to see what the doc found wrong with Mrs. Smith. The doctor told Mr. Smith that he had treated two Mrs. Smith's that day, and that the secretary had mixed up their records. "Your wife," continued the dcotor, "either has AIDS or Alzheimer's." Mr. Smith asked, "How do I tell which one my wife has?" "Take her out in the woods," said the doctor, "and leave her there. If she finds her way back home, don't screw her." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Add a scoop of ice cream and some root beer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges, and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grow up. A twelve year old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What-did-you-say?!" The young girl shrugged, "I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you double the price of a yugo? A: Fill up the gas tank. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The foreman at the sawmill wasn't eager to hire the blind man because of the obvious risks involved, but the guy begged for a chance. "You'll see," he said. "Just put me downstream of the saw and and I'll smell the type and length of the lumber and stack it accordingly." So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man, he sent down a twelve-foot piece of pine. "Ahhh ..." said the man, breathing in deeply, "pine, twelve-foot." And he stacked it in the right place. The foreman repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mohagony, and the blind guy didn't miss once. Then, getting a sly look on his face, the fore- man sent for the office secretary, old Mabel, and told her to hike up her skirts and ride down the conveyor belt. Mabel rode through, faceup, right past the blind man. Sniffing furiously and looking very puzzled, he asked that the last piece of wood be sent through again. The foreman complied, but not before telling Mabel, skirt still up, to turn over. After a few moments of reflection, the blind man turned to the foreman with a with a triumphant smile. "I've got it!" he proclaimed, "That's the shithouse door from a tuna boat!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Carpenter's Joke Did you hear about the house that the two lesbians built? Not a single stud was used. It was all tounge and groove. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did they stop the leper baseball game? A: Someone dropped a ball in left field. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advice is like bullshit - everyone wants to give you a load of it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, three baby boys were born in the hospital, at the same time, and the nurses got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone stood around wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped forward, clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped up, threw his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit his diapers and the Polish baby played in it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the hardest key to turn? A: A don-key. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him? A: Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's cute when a two-year old kid spits jello at you - It's not cute when your 98-year old great-grandmother spits jello at you ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a guy named Benny. He was sitting in the bleachers at Fenway one day when Wade Boggs hit a homerun. He told the guy next to him, Eddie, that he knew everyone. Eddie seriously doubted this and bet twenty dollars Benny did not know Wade Boggs. So, after the game, they went to the club- house where the great third baseman shook Benny's hand and invited him out for beers. Eddie was impressed, but not satisfied; he bet $1000 that Benny did not know the President of the United States. So, Benny and Eddie went to the White House, where the President invited them to a State Dinner honoring the Queen of England. Eddie was astonished! Still he was doubtful that Benny knew -EVERYONE-. He bet a million dollars that Benny did not know the Pope. So, Benny and Eddie went to St. Peter's Square in Rome. There the Pope was saying mass for 100,000 people. Benny walked up and stood behind the Pope. After the mass, just as the Pope embraced Benny warmly, Benny noticed Eddie fainting. Benny rushed over to Eddie and woke him up with smelling salts. "What happened Eddie?" Benny asked. Eddie replied, "I was surprised when you knew Wade Boggs, and shocked when you knew the President, but when a guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked, 'Who is that guy with Benny?'..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I get no respect - my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I call my dog Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: On what side of a building does the sun always shine? A: The outside. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the parakeet say when he finished shopping? A: Just put it on my bill. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- She was so ugly, that when she worked in a pet store people kept asking how big she would get ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does it take a turkey less time than an elephant to get ready for a trip? A: Because he only takes his comb, and the elephant takes a trunk. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A budget is a plan for going broke methodically. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I tell ya' I get no respect. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No - I hate myself NOW ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Italian who found a new way to cover up the smell of his breath? He holds up his arms ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Grandmother always had a twinkle in her eyes. Turns out it was cataracts ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What state is most like a tiny cola? A: Minne-soda. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was tired one night, so I went to a bar to have a few drinks. I tell ya' I get no respect. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" When I said, "Surprise me," he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The hillbilly wedding ceremony had just concluded. The groom thrust his hand into the pocket of his tattered overalls and asked the preacher what he owed him. "In these here parts, we don't charge for no hitchin', but you kin pay accordin' to your bride's beauty," the preacher beamed. So, the groom handed the preacher a dollar bill. Whereupon, the preacher raised the bride's veil, took a look and dug into his own pocket. "Here's fifty cents change." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- John and Mike entered the Boston Marathon. After they'd been running for awhile, they were passed by another runner. "I know that guy," John said, "That's Bill Rodgers - he won the race a couple of years ago." A few minutes later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. "And that was Grete Waitz!" John exclaimed. Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur. "Who was THAT?" Mike asked. "Him?" John answered. "He's some lawyer ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman walked into a savings & loan and said to the loan officer, "I'd like to talk to you about a loan." "Great!" the ecstatic loan officer replied, "How much can you give us?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- My ex-wife was so ugly that after we got divorced, she got a job in prison curing sex offenders. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's Pee-Wee Herman's favorite baseball team? A: The Montreal Expos. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.